The Funny and Strange Story of Neil and Emily
Updated: 9 minutes ago
I thought it would be fun to write out the story of how Neil and I met and ended up an unofficial married couple (just waiting for me to get my shit together and get divorced…)
Actually, who wants to join Emily’s Divorce Support Group? This is where we drink champagne and congratulate each other on our happy lives and plan, encourage and support each other to actually DO THE FUCKING PAPER WORK!!
I think we are an odd pair THERE!! I’ve said what all you mother fuckers are thinking and have been thinking, probably. And it’s totally cool, we are a strange couple.
Neil is the quietest human on earth I’m loud and opinionated and annoying.
I even annoy him, just ask him! I annoy him because I leave the mayo out and don’t reset the microwave so the little clock comes back and I wear all of his socks because the dude has toooooo many!
That and I talk alot. Pretty sure you could power the whole grid with the energy my vocal chords produce each day (climate crisis solved, you're welcome).
Neil shows pretty much zero emotion. Now you ladies might be thinking you also have an emotionless male companion but NOOOOO. Not like this you don’t.
Neil is amazing at compartmentalising all the things he imagines he will at some stage express in human form.
I, on the other hand, cannot bottle up my emotions. They’re just allll there. On my sleeve, on my face, interjecting into the conversation as they arrive, all da time.
Neil is also extremely careful as a person. He is clever to the point of it being quite frankly fucking annoying, and I’m just kind of winging it every day…cashing my car in the driveway and having a generally fabulous time!
Also, Neil is 13 years my senior.
We met in a bar at a gig that we were both playing at and he wouldn’t talk to me. I mean he said words when I asked him questions but in a very “you’re annoying, go away” tone. I’ve since learnt that this is Neil being moderately social.
Neil has the most impressive resting bitch face you have ever seen. It is, dare I say, worse than mine. People always think he’s angry. I’ve been with Neil for 4 years now and I think I’ve seen him angry 3 times and I usually only know he’s angry because I know him very well.
So anyway, I thought he really didn’t like me which is pretty standard when people meet me for the first time so I didn’t think much of it.
I saw him on stage.
And I went all fan girl.
But I acted like the coolest bitch there ever was.
Turns out Neil is a transformer, just gets up on stage and transforms into the most outgoing sexy dude ever. Who knew?
Anyway, there were a few gigs on that weekend and we ended up staying at the same house. There was limited bed space, or maybe that was an excuse I told myself at the time...can’t remember.
I remember that we’d all had a few beers and as I made my way into the tour bus I politely informed Neil that if he tried to touch me I would kick his arse (any ladies looking for help with pick-up lines I charge a set fee per hour).
I remember the hands going up like he was under arrest and the face that looked like a rabbit in the headlights as he said “I would never do that”.
I also remember thinking “I really hope I don’t end up having to kick this guys arse, could I if I needed to? Is this a really stupid thing to do?” (all those thoughts you have when you need to consider if you’re going to get assaulted…). In hindsight, it’s pretty funny that anyone, anywhere would think Neil was a safety risk.
So you know what we did all night?
We slept next to each other and he did not make a single move on me.
Now, just before I met Neil my marriage had collapsed spectacularly and things were not great and that is a very vanilla summary for you all.
Neil has worked very hard to earn my trust, it has not been easy and I don’t believe that anyone else could have done this because Neil is a very unique, non-aggressive and devoted kind of person.
I also don’t believe that there was a guy my age on the earth at the time that I would have been genuinely into, because guys at 27 are simply not my cup of tea.
I mean really? It’s like having a puppy; sooooo mucccchhhhh worrrrkkkk! And I just can’t be arsed trying to be a mummy and a girlfriend and an emotional punching bag to the same dude!
I know you aren’t all like that, I know a lot of you are great, but I did not meet any of yous and that’s a shame that my belief about guys my age at the time was that it was all some kind of scary weird joke and no thanks!
I don’t really know what that night was like for Neil, but for me it was like being slowly coaxed out of a cave that I’d been hiding in. Hiding from ever trusting anyone ever again.
The rest is pretty much history. Neil went to Brazil with Spy's and I thought I’d never hear from him again, but I did. We are really different people at first glance but beneath that we are actually very similar in the way we view the world and what we want out of life and each other.
Oh yeah, and we make sick music together! All the music of mine that you have heard in a recorded format was mixed and partly produced by Neil. I write all of my own music and think I’m pretty good at that, but without Neil I definitely wouldn’t have been able to release the music I have released in the time frame I have, it would have taken me a lot longer to get that out!
He gets half the credit. I guess there is another blog in that, having a team and making sure you give them credit when it’s due.
Thanks for reading my big rant folks!
Next time you see Neil give him a big pash for being such a lovely dude xxx